Summer in the City

What a blogslacker I am! It has been a few months but I have returned! I'm sitting in silence...my children are with their dad for a few weeks due to the visitation schedule change for the summer. I am and have been thinking a lot about friends lately. I know everyone is super busy but I am feeling forgotten about. Mentally, I'm doing pretty well but I do miss my friends. I hope they are finding happiness in their lives with their families and activities. I have this unsettled feeling that I am really irritating to some of them.
SO...things that have changed in the last 3 months: taken up hiking (thank you Katie!) Zumba and more yoga in place of sitting on bum in front of computer. Spending time with the kids at the pool after work nearly each day. Bad for skin, good for psyche. We've already used up 3 cans of sunscreen. Do not care what others may think about my rotundness in a swimsuit...just enjoying the sun, the water and my kids.
Got to experience a raw food/vegan restaurant (thanks Dan!) the other night. It totally blew my expectations. I though, yeah, I'll try it and it might be all right and then we'll have to make a Taco Bell run but I was seriously wrong! The food was delicious and very filling and extremely healthy. I will definitely go back. I felt all sort of cleansed afterward (no bathrooms were harmed in this experience) and uplifted. Very weird way to feel after dinner but good! Am thinking I need to get my hands on a cookbook of that sort....(mom, you would LOVE it.)
Started a blanket for myself and working on a witch costume for a friend. Keeping those hands busy! I am determined to have an excellent week in spite of my job---pray for me (ugh!)

Emily Post

I'm sure this is just as irritating to everyone else out there but I really can't stand it when, while driving in the left hand lane at mock 2, those you come up behind refuse to let you pass. And, of course, they're going the speed limit or several miles under it...and invariably have Idaho license plates. I have this reoccurring fantasy of having a bazooka mounted on the roof of my car expressly for the purpose of removing these individuals from the road. A little extreme perhaps but it's all about manners. Scoop your dog's poop and let people pass, dammit.

I am emitting gleeful noises in anticipation of Def Leppard's arrival Aug. 31 during their summer tour. Can't wait! Am thinking that an early arrival will eliminate back row issue even if it is 110 and my deodorant fails. Someday will be rich enough to afford expensive reserved seats and actually SEE the band but for now will enjoy the grass, picnic-like general admission area. Except for the idiots in front of us that get drunk and think it's ok to "mess around" in front of everyone. I mean, puh-lease! Get under a blanket at least! ;) Perhaps a slushing is in order...

Move over, Sigmund...

I had this sort of epiphany while driving home from work today. I've been trying to put into words how I feel about a recent breakup and some song lyrics popped into my head. They were so fitting that I almost jumped up and down (difficult to do in one's car.)

"Get Over Yourself" by Eden's Crush
Yeah I was right there like the little wife
I was everything that you need always in line
I was living you, loving you, filling your desires
But that was then, this is now, look me in the eye

If love could chose sides
It's taken mine, so

Get over yourself, goodbye
It must be hard to be you, yeah, living in your life
I was always the one to cry
Now everything everything everything is all right
Get over yourself! Know why?
Cuz without you see I do anything I like
Sometimes I stay out all night
And everything everything everything is all right.

There are more lyrics to the song but I think the first part gets the point across quite well. I also had another realization about the person I was with. I'm no psychiatrist but I do believe he is a Clinical Narcissist. The Mayo Clinic defines Clinical Narcissism as:

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

I guess the reason I'm so jazzed about all this is because it helps me define what was confusing about this person before. Hopefully it will help me with relationships in the future.

Black Hole

It's only been a short while since my divorce (4 months) and on this Valentine's Day my ex is getting remarried. One does not wish ill on their friends in good, committed relationships and marriages but sometimes reading "I have the best husband/wife ever!!!" gets a bit old when one isn't also participating in one. The logical part of me is so very very happy for my wonderful friends and their families. But my heart feels like it's been sucked into a black hole.

I think I am a decent person. I think God has blessed me with some wonderful talents, blessings, and of course my children. I know I am capable of whatever I set my mind to (I gave birth without and epidural...I can do anything!!!) I also think I have a lot to offer someone. So why is it that while I have given my heart away in either marriage or in relationships it isn't returned? Why does my reservoir feel constantly emptied and never filled?

I am moving forward. I want to get my life on an even keel but every now and then that black hole just shows up and wreaks havoc. I don't want to seem whiny and depressed. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. It's good to get all this out of my system even though I seem like a bitter old biddy. Those horrible screaming voices that tell me I'm not worth anything and I'll never be anything to anyone have started weaseling their way back into my head after a long time of forced seclusion. I know that I am worth something to me and to God. I think it's back to some deep reflection and prayer before I pick up any other bad habits.

...and when I die I expect to find Him laughing...

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a sense of humor. Today I had to go into work later than usual because of Rowan's 9:30 ballet class which meant I stayed later than usual. Today's amusements consisted of me cleaning the Laundry Room and Basement Bathroom and then tending to Wesley. Both of those rooms are portholes into hell covered with black mold, feces, dirt, grime, etc. I prayed before I went to work that the day would go by quickly so I could get to other things to take my mind off the daily horrors. Needless to say, the day dragged. After pulling out the dead washer and dryer I removed as much of the mold off the walls as I could and then cleaned the floors with one of those dual spinny brush power scrubbers from 1963. But that time the floor was covered in mud...the liquid floor cleaner mixed with whatever was already festering there. I wiped up all the gunk and then said 'no more.' Couldn't handle any more yuck. Headed upstairs where more dishes, dirty items and poop on the wall needed tending to. Wesley got home from school and fell asleep before we could tend to his ostomy bag so it gurgled and farted while cleaned up the living room. I didn't throw up today but came close a couple of times. Then FINALLY it was time to go home (yay!) and had my first In-n-Out burger since it came to Northern Utah. Was feeling pretty good and then arrived home to the disaster my children created. No biggie...dinner first, clean later. Hmmm...my fingers were hurting. Fetched the super glue to patch up the cracks in my hands where the skin had split and bled. Then, immediately forgetting that I had glue on my hands, put my finger in my mouth to lick peanut butter off and got SUPER GLUE ON MY TONGUE.

Yes, blogfans, I got super glue on my tongue. Only me, right? It actually came off pretty easily but not before a ran amok for 30 seconds wringing my hands and waggling my tongue like a lunatic. The visual there is just too much for words, I think. The moral of this story is...just when you think your day is crap put some glue on your tongue. It provides much needed distraction and potential entertainment for your loved ones.

Forward ho!!!

Another morning, another day and I am still breathing. I feel lighter though. I can only control how I feel, how I react to others. Shall I choose misery and sadness? NO NO NO! I shall not allow the unhappiness of others to take away any moments for happiness from me.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life blah blah blah..."

The other night while doing dishes with the children we cranked up Karch's ipod and boogied our way through the work. There's nothing better for getting the blood pumping than listening to Rush and Def Leppard while doing chores. Of course we had to bump bums while we were at it. Those kind of moments make all the hard times worth it. It was all pure, unblemished fun punctuated by the smiles of my children.

Ok, now a pity party...

"I would NEVER do that..."

Sound familiar? Going through experiences that challenge us and finding out that sometimes we DO do that I hope only give us more empathy for the human race. There but for the Grace of God, go I. I have found myself to be much less judgmental than the person I was even 2 or 3 years ago because I've found myself in a position of doing things I never ever thought I would. I have arrived at the conclusion that either I can be embarrassed about it all and try to forget it or I can learn from it. Now when I hear about someone else going through the same thing I try to imagine the difficulties they are facing and empathize with them. The last time I checked I was still human and so are they. There's not much difference (except for bra size, I imagine...)

Am I the only person in the world that has suffered a broken heart? No, though it feels like it. Where there was such hope, there is now discouragement. Where there was promise, there are now ashes. Will the world still turn? Yep. The sun will rise, the cows will flatulate. Each day will come and I will go on. I'm sick of being sad! I'm sick of my own tears. I'm sick of the slashes on my heart. I'm sick of all the hurt. Don't you just wish you could shake some sense into some people? I think that's what my close friends wished they could do with me. Unfortunately, I always have to learn the hard way and at the expense of my shredded, dehydrated heart. I need to go shoe shopping...

...Walking through the park and reminiscing...

"Here we are at Peter's Doughnuts." Excerpt from Bob and Doug Mckenzie's Great White North album that frequently pops into my head.
Today I celebrated my baby's 4th birthday with my children. I think she had a good time---she got her ears pierced (I had nothing to do with that decision) and got to go to birthday breakfast with me, her sibs, her dad, uncle and paternal g-parents. Tonight she had chocolate cake with mint chip ice cream and went to bed having a tantrum which must mean she was pretty tuckered out. It seems like only yesterday that I was pushing that little bundle of energy out of me (sans epidural all for the experience of knowing that I could.) The first words out of my mouth after she came out were "THAT TOTALLY SUCKED!" I know... so poetic. The scientologists would be disappointed in me for not having a more silent experience. But she was so cute...tons of hair and teeny. She ended up being the smallest of my four which earned her the nickname Pixie-Poo. I do hope and pray that I can be a good mother to her (and the others for that matter.) She is highly sensitive, like me, and sneaky just like her older brother Liam. I swear those two could easily form their own recon outfit. Man, I wish kids came with instruction manuals...

New new new...

I realized that I still have this blog going and the last time I posted was 16 months ago. A lot has happened during that time, most of you already know the major parts. For those of you that don't or that (thank you) don't listen to gossip these are the stats: divorced, living in apt. and as of last Monday, lost car. It would be very very easy to curl up into a fetal position and wish everything away but no. This is my refining time. I guess the challenges I had before weren't enough to see what I'm made of. I am striving with ever cell in my being to move forward and at least act happy. I am at a place mentally where old very bad habits are trying to weasel their way back into my life. I worked so hard to get rid of those negative voices in my head and now they're rearing their ugly heads again. ARRRG! I don't want to blog about my pity party...that's not interesting to read so I'll try and change angles.

Vomitimus maximus!!! That should be the theme of my workplace. Each day is rated by whether or not I have the urge to or actually barf. There are only so many horrid smells and visuals one can experience before one's body goes into "reject all current contents"mode. I just keep on keepin' on and try not to think about it too hard. I am thankful for my job! I am thankful for my job! But really, I need a new one.
I am grateful that my children are with me and (relatively) healthy. I'm grateful that my job has allowed me some flexibility so that when there is an emergency I can take care of it and not worry about being fired but the actual working conditions are taking a toll on my health. Someday...

I am looking forward to the New Adventures of Old Kendall and a new perspective on life. Don't worry, I'm sure my sense of humor will return eventually! ;)