It's only been a short while since my divorce (4 months) and on this Valentine's Day my ex is getting remarried. One does not wish ill on their friends in good, committed relationships and marriages but sometimes reading "I have the best husband/wife ever!!!" gets a bit old when one isn't also participating in one. The logical part of me is so very very happy for my wonderful friends and their families. But my heart feels like it's been sucked into a black hole.
I think I am a decent person. I think God has blessed me with some wonderful talents, blessings, and of course my children. I know I am capable of whatever I set my mind to (I gave birth without and epidural...I can do anything!!!) I also think I have a lot to offer someone. So why is it that while I have given my heart away in either marriage or in relationships it isn't returned? Why does my reservoir feel constantly emptied and never filled?
I am moving forward. I want to get my life on an even keel but every now and then that black hole just shows up and wreaks havoc. I don't want to seem whiny and depressed. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. It's good to get all this out of my system even though I seem like a bitter old biddy. Those horrible screaming voices that tell me I'm not worth anything and I'll never be anything to anyone have started weaseling their way back into my head after a long time of forced seclusion. I know that I am worth something to me and to God. I think it's back to some deep reflection and prayer before I pick up any other bad habits.
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